how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
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