it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
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