my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
