I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
Randomize
