i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
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