just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
Randomize
