Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
I cut my penus on the lid.
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Randomize
