I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
My hair reeks of homosexuality.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
Randomize
