At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
Idk. I'm naked in front of the computer eating ribs. All is right with the world.
That's so nerdy and hot at the same time.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
Randomize
