so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
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