Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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