My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
Randomize
