Dude my mom stole all your condoms
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Randomize
