I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
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