Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
