GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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