Could guys at least pretend I require some amount of money to be spent before I randomly go down on them?
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
Randomize
