What did I say to him last night?
Something along the lines of "your not here, I'm going to fuck sam. call me later babe, this won't take long, love you"
all in all not a bad night
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
p.s. you have a small clit
YOU ARE THE MOST AWKWARD PERSON ALIVE.
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
