I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
How many fucks given?
0.12846
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
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