I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
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