even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.
I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Randomize
