Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
