I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Randomize
