help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
You were, but he disappeared after you said you wanted him to get you pregnant so you'd have a child by the time the Boy Meets World sequel starts
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
Randomize
