Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
Randomize
