I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
Jerry, you need to find god
is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
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