My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
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