C thinks vomiting on the batroom floor = reaon not to party. Lies. Party continues.
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
This couple is walking their pig around campus
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