The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
no, you don't understand how much people deal here. All I had to say was "hey lets buy a bag" and he pulled over instantly, then the randoms in the car behind us pulled over and sold us a bag.
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize