Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
Randomize
