I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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