dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
Randomize
