I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
Randomize
