I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
