hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
i was rollin on her like bob the builder
spencer pratt says his family invinted chess
that kid is like the al gore of hollywood.
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
Randomize
