I just saw a hot homeless man
my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
My vagina just clenched in fear
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
