i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
where are my eyebrows?
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
