i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
Randomize
