So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Randomize
