A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
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