I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
Randomize
