forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Randomize
