By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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