eww mummy girl is here...
what the fuckk. i just want to hold her down, wax her eyebrows, and give her some morals.
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
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