I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
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