well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
Randomize
