I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
