Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Randomize
