every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
she kept yelling 'call me bella'
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
Randomize
