Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
Randomize
