i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
Randomize
