I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Randomize
