please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Randomize
