Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
Yes, I fucked her, no she wasn't that loose, yes she caused more drama than a 14 year old girl
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
