tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize