Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.
so finals studying is going well?
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
Randomize
