So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
I boned her and wore a Freddy mask once. It was pretty lol
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Randomize
