I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
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