i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
Fuck me I smell like cheese
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