Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
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