you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
That accounts for only three of the penises
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
Randomize
