I'd wear matching sweaters with you
Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
The parties out here are fucking awesome and I've got the grades to prove it.
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Randomize
