I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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