he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
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