It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
sick fucks of a feather flock together
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
