dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
Randomize
