Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
If by whore you mean UPGRADE....then yes I am
Randomize
