she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
